Emotional Neglect— An Invisible And Devastating Childhood Trauma

Anyone outside of our home believed my parents to be attentive, cheerful, and successful people— and they were successful. The rest of it wasn't a show; it was worse than that.

They seemed to reserve their thoughtful engagement for other people; a bright energy that was saved for friends, extended family, or co-workers.

Yet, when they returned home, there was nothing left for me.

My parents were intelligent, educated people who carried unresolved traumas that had become embedded in their bodies, yet their minds had no awareness of these wounds. Because of this, they were emotionally non-existent.

Anything vulnerable or emotional was labeled dramatic and met with words like "what's your problem", "don't be stupid", or "you are out of control." My father laughed at my attempts to push back. Other times, he would meet my glare with a seething, frightening anger expressed through piercing eyes. The words he fired back at me were, "What's wrong with you? You're the problem, you need to get your head checked out, calm down". I was deeply afraid of him, of the anger that lurked just below the surface. He never hit me, yet I was not sure he wouldn't.

My mother was focused on her career, the garden, or creating artwork. She would be swallowed by her interests for hours. If I wanted her, I usually had to go into the cellar or, in the summers, search for her between the tall asparagus trees and summer squash vines. I did try to seek emotional support, to which she would respond, "You just have to move on and get over it." There was never more than that. So I stopped trying.

There were no hugs or kisses, no goodnight snuggles— no "love yous."

Emotional abuse and neglect comes in many shapes and sizes. It exists in all different types of family systems. Signs of childhood neglect are often not overt, which makes it almost impossible to recognize, even for the children enduring it. No one would have said I was neglected. I had clean clothes, a nice house, I went to private schools, and got good grades— but those external things don't reveal the secrets held within our homes.

The psychological impact of neglect is like an umbrella blocking out the sun and casting shadows over every aspect of our lives. Healthy parents provide examples and guidance to self-soothe, engage in loving, intimate relationships, embody confidence, and create fundamental self-worth. As children of neglect, we may have received little to none of these vital skills and beliefs for stable, fulfilling lives.

My parents' neglect compounded the other emotional and sexual abuse I had experienced as a child. I had no one safe to tell. The secrets I held dislocated my brain into separate rooms; some had locked doors, others I could see into. Yet, if I had had an emotionally safe person to turn to, a parent who knew how to nurture and provide vulnerable love, the impact of these other traumas would not have derailed my life.

Through my twenties, I lived on the edge of self-destruction. There were therapists along the way who said my behavior indicated complex post-traumatic stress, but I rebuked it. At that time, my brain buried most of my trauma, hiding it from conscious memory. I had little recollection of childhood neglect. All I knew at that time was that I felt empty and profound yearning for something, anything, to fill it.

I craved all of the things that my friends had built; the marriages, the houses, the stable careers...but for a reason I couldn't determine, every attempt towards that life fell apart. I had no internal scaffolding to build from and no embodied navigation system to maneuver through the complexities of life.

My parents will never take accountability for the wounds they left within my body. At times, I still wish I could have their validation, receive a redemptive hug, or experience the comfort only a mother can give.

Yet, that will never happen.

I do not need my parents to heal; I have begun to find this within myself and within a deep spiritual connection, which has taken many years to foster. Still, my healing has begun a new leg of this journey.

I am here to tell you that neglect is real even within families that look successful, wealthy, happy, or welcoming. Neglect leaves a wound in the soul like no other. It leaves us with no ability to feel whole or sustainable. Instead, we feel like we have no ground under our feet, no container to hold us together. We feel overwhelmed by the world because we don't know how to manage the stress or hold compassion for ourselves.

If this is you, I see you. I validate your experience because I get it.

We can heal.

I wish there were a way to cure the internal absence left behind— there is no fix. Yet, if we persevere and continue on a healing path, the absence and the grief will grow smaller and smaller.

We can build our own container, borders between our hearts and the stressful world around us. Within our containers, we will hold the ability to self-soothe, the vulnerability to engage in healthy relationships, the confidence to set boundaries, and the embodiment of worth.

All Good Things.

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Sarah Dionne is a psychotherapist, supervisor, and spiritual guide in MA. She is currently in Seminary at the Tree Of Life Interfaith Temple.

Sarah embodies love and compassion as a mother, partner, friend, and professional.

Learn more about Sarah at Dionne-Assoc.com